How to Keep the Romance Alive in a Long-Term Relationship

Insights from Couples Therapists in Ottawa

Long-term relationships don’t fall apart overnight, more often, they slowly drift into routine. Between work stress, parenting, mental load, and day-to-day responsibilities, romance can quietly slide to the bottom of the priority list. Many couples in couples therapy tell us the same thing: “We still love each other, but it doesn’t feel romantic anymore.”

Does this resonate with you and your partner? If so, the good news is that romance isn’t something you either have or lose forever. It’s something you intentionally create, again and again. As therapists, we often speak in analogies, and one of my favourite ways to explain this is by thinking about watering a plant so it can thrive. Much like a relationship, if you don't water it (put in the effort) it will wilt and slowly die. Whether you’ve been together five years or twenty, here’s how to keep emotional and romantic connection alive- and when couples counselling in Ottawa can help.

Romance Changes- and That’s Normal!

One of the biggest misconceptions couples bring into relationship therapy in Ottawa is the belief that romance should feel the same forever. Early relationships are fueled by novelty and chemistry. Long-term partnerships rely on safety, trust, and emotional intimacy.

Romance doesn’t disappear, it evolves. Does that mean that longterm relationships can't have the "spark" or experience desire like in the honeymoon phase? No, absolutely it can but it might just look different.

Instead of chasing how it used to feel, successful couples learn how to:

• Create new forms of closeness

• Communicate needs openly

• Make intentional space for connection

Emotional Intimacy Comes Before Physical Intimacy

Many couples worry first about sex, but in couples therapy, emotional distance almost always comes first.

Romance thrives when partners feel:

• Seen

• Valued

• Emotionally safe

Simple daily habits matter more than grand gestures:

• Asking meaningful questions instead of logistics

• Making eye contact when your partner talks

• Validating feelings instead of fixing

If conversations feel transactional or tense, our couples counselling right here in Ottawa can help rebuild emotional safety, which naturally supports physical closeness.

Prioritize Quality Time (Not Just Time Together)

Living together doesn’t mean you’re truly connecting. Many long-term couples spend plenty of time in the same space but very little time emotionally present with each other. We call this the "grey zone", you're sitting in the same room but you're not connecting with each other. Perhaps you're both scrolling your phones, or watching tv from opposite sides of the couch. Being aware of the "grey zone", can help you be intentional about creating more "green zone" moments. These are moments where you are intentionally connecting.

Here are some "green zone" ideas:

• Schedule weekly “connection time” (even 20–30 minutes)

• Put phones away

• Talk about something other than kids, chores, or work

Couples in Ottawa relationship therapy often discover that intentional time brings back laughter, curiosity, and attraction- even when life feels busy.

Keep Curiosity Alive

Romance fades when we assume we already know everything about our partner.

People change- and healthy relationships make room for that growth.

Ask questions like:

• “What’s something new you’ve been thinking about lately?”

• “What’s been stressing you out that I might not see?”

• “What helps you feel most loved right now?”

Curiosity builds emotional intimacy, which is the foundation of lasting romance.

Express Appreciation- Often and Out Loud

In long-term relationships, appreciation is often assumed instead of expressed.

But feeling taken for granted is one of the most common concerns couples bring into Ottawa couples therapy.

Make appreciation specific:

• “I noticed how patient you were with the kids today.”

• “Thank you for carrying so much lately- I see it.”

• “I really admire how hard you work for our family.”

Consistent appreciation strengthens emotional bonds and helps partners feel desired and valued.

Address Conflict Before It Becomes Distance

Unresolved conflict quietly erodes romance. When issues are avoided, partners may emotionally withdraw to protect themselves.

Healthy conflict includes:

• Listening without defensiveness

• Speaking from feelings, not blame

• Repairing after disagreements

• Our personal favourite- use the benefit of the doubt statements such as "I know you didn't mean harm..." or "I know your intentions were in the right place..." before expressing a concern or complaint. Often times, individuals become defensive because they feel their character is being attacked and they know they didn't mean harm. Instead of making the discussion whether or not your partner is a good or bad person (as it often becomes), validate that first, put it aside and focus on the real issue.

If arguments feel repetitive, explosive, or emotionally draining, couples therapy can be a space that provides tools to communicate more effectively and reconnect after conflict.

Make Space for Playfulness and Fun

Romance isn’t just serious conversations- it’s shared joy.

Long-term couples who maintain connection intentionally build in:

• Humour

• Playfulness

• Lightness

This might look like:

• Trying a new activity together

• Revisiting early-relationship traditions

• Laughing about small, everyday moments

Play rebuilds friendship, and friendship fuels romance.

When Couples Therapy Can Help

Sometimes, despite best efforts, couples feel stuck. That doesn’t mean the relationship is failing, it often means you need support.

Couples counselling can help when:

• Communication feels strained or disconnected

• Intimacy has declined

• Trust has been impacted

• Life transitions (parenthood, stress, grief) have changed the relationship

At Blissful Balance Counselling, couples learn practical tools to rebuild emotional intimacy, improve communication, and reconnect in meaningful ways.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Romance in a long-term relationship isn’t about perfection, it’s about intention. With the right support, couples can rediscover closeness, deepen emotional connection, and feel like partners again.

If you’re considering couples therapy, working with a trained couples therapist can provide a safe, supportive space to reconnect and strengthen your relationship. Book your first session here.